Tactical Traumatisation
by Molten-Ashes
Summary: In which Jazz is annoyed, Prowl is sulking and the Twins are traumatised


Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers

Please R&R

(In which Prowl and Jazz try to get one up on the Twins and get more than they bargined for. And I've got to stop writing these one-shots)

* * *

It was quiet.

Too quiet.

The halls of the ARK were lit as always, the bright almost neon orange that many an Autobot had cursed and that had driven many a Decepticon prisoner insane were still the same nauseating colour broken only by Red Alert's cameras that swivelled to and fro as the paranoid mech at the controls played at being omnipresent. What was missing was the ever present chatter of mechs floating around off duty.

Perhaps he should have stayed on Cybertron Optimus mused as he, Ironhide and Ratchet walked down the corridor, the three of them recently back from a mission on Cybertron. The group peered in the rec room the way to the command centre seeing only Bumblebee and Cliffjumper recharging on the couch, the television broadcasting a tedious looking game show.

Ratchet eyed the mini-bots wearily before shrugging off the feeling that something was wrong, trailing after Ironhide as their Prime strode more purposefully towards the command centre where they had left Prowl and Jazz in charge.

The doors hissed open revealing Prowl going over some schematics with his bondmate, both talking in hushed tones like conspirators in an evil plot, the Command deck of the crashed ship startlingly empty. At Prime's heavy stride they both looked up, Jazz looking interestingly terrified.

"It's not my fault!" the mech suddenly babbled pointing at Prowl "He said it wouldn't do anything but play some scary moving holograms!"

Optimus' optic ridge raised in startled surprise as Prowl shot his bondmate a venomous look, the usually stoic mech shutting off the holoscreen with a dejected stab at the off button. "I'll go put myself in the brig now sir." Dare he say it but did the Tactician sound… sulky?

"Why?" Optimus asked bewildered at his SIC's odd behaviour.

Prowl suddenly offered Prime a hopeful look that made the barer of the matrix want to scramble for cover. "You mean you haven't proved it was me?"

"Proved what?" Ironhide asked completely bewildered.

"See?" Prowl said turning back to Jazz triumphantly "No evidence, no crime"

A shrill scream rang out throughout the base making everyone jump.

Jazz sighed a servo coming up to rub his optics beneath his azure visor "Prowl only you could come up with something like this."

Thunderous footsteps of someone running down the hall.

"So?" the Tactician argued "It wasn't that hard to plan out"

Another shriek, and another set of running pedes.

"But you're the only one with the access codes to do it" Jazz retorted regardless of the fact that Prowl had just incriminated himself.

The door to the command centre burst open and Sideswipe tumbled into the room looking hysterical, leaping at Prowl and hanging onto one of his ankles as if the Tactician was the only lifeline he had left in the universe "They got him! They got him!" the red half of the troublesome Twins wailed at the Datsun's pedes.

"Who got who?" demanded Ratchet as Ironhide snickered at Prowl's lost expression mirrored by the Prime's.

"The Paint pots!" the front line warrior sobbed hugging Prowl's ankle tighter "and the Polish tubs and the Guard-cloths! They got Sunny!"

"See?" Jazz griped throwing his hands up "I told you it was too traumatic for them to handle!" firmly incriminating himself as well.

Prowl growled back pointing at the door to the Command centre "Find Sunstreaker and make sure he isn't ripping off chunks in the wall again. Blast Front line warriors and their simple programming!" the Tactician snarled turning his impressive ire on the cowering Sideswipe "You! Corner! Now!"

To the Trio's shock Sideswipe obeyed without complaint trotting over to the corner of the room and sitting in a foetal position against the wall mumbling and twitching. Jazz sighed and gave Optimus a two fingered salute as he jogged off down the corridor.

"I'm guessing this is why the ARK is so quiet" Optimus said gravely as Prowl levelled him with a glare

"You guess correct" the Tactician scowled "all I wanted was a bit of peace; instead I have to sort this mess out."

"You reap what you sow" Ratchet commented as he went over to Sideswipe and tapped the red Twin on the helm. "Sideswipe! Get off the floor you fool so I can cart you down to the medbay!"

"Ratchet!" Sideswipe suddenly cried springing up and enveloping the medic in a crushing grip "No! You can't go down there! The Paint Pots and the Polish tubs patrol there! They left the Guard-cloths at the doors!"

"Can someone explain to me what he's on about?" Ironhide asked as he slumped into an empty command centre chair. "As amusing at it is to watch the kid twitch like he someone just shocked him with a cattle prod, the clinginess in disturbin me"

Optimus levelled his SIC a calm stare that made the Tactician sigh "Fine, but let it be known that the little glitches deserved it in the first place."

"Noted" the Prime rumbled as Ratchet managed to pry himself from Sideswipes embrace, smacking the front liner with his wrench for good measure, as he attempted to hug him again

"I got a little revenge for all the pranks they had been doing lately and I wanted some alone time with Jazz" Prowl claimed perching himself on another empty chair "I hacked into their room when they were recharging and gave them a perfectly innocent file download. Naturally when they got up they didn't feel any different, but when they went to use the wash rack that's when Jazz's little concoction booted up. It made the polish tubs, the paint pots and Sunstreaker's cloths come 'alive' as it were."

Optimus heard Ironhide snort with laughter behind him, turning to give his weapons master a glare as the old mech guffawed.

"The result intended was that the various cleaning equipment would chase them to the lower decks of the ARK where they would spend the better half of the afternoon running around terrified over a hallucination" Prowl continued "Then the file got corrupted and instead of just chasing them at a sedated pace it was the various cleaning products trying to clean the paint and armour right off of their frames. Now, Sideswipe is a jabbering wreck and Sunstreaker has turned into a claustrophobe that has the tendency to tear the walls down or rip the door off of the enclosed space he's in because, in Jazz's words, the paint pots cornered him in the storage closet on corridor 5-C, plus every bot on the ship decided that they all had patrol today and have done a runner, the glitches."

As Prowl finished his narrative Jazz stalked in dragging a whining Sunstreaker by the helm fin "Remind me why you didn't join the Decepticon's love?" the saboteur asked with a resigned sigh dumping the golden twin beside his twitching sibling.

"I don't like the colour purple" Prowl replied tonelessly as Ironhide, Optimus and Ratchet stared at him in horror.

* * *

A/N: ( unlike good muses, mine didn't give me a way to cure the twins, so you can all make up an ending. or you can keep them traumatised your choice! Tis a crack fic afterall)


End file.
